When His will hurts

I find it very spectacular to see how much I love God and His will.

His will… yes, at most times this is mysterious. You just don’t know what God will pull out of His sleeve at times. One minute we’re up so high and the next, down so low. I remember making a prayer colorful and vivid. It was for full gratitude over everything that mattered, but sadly this kind of attitude was inconceivable for a guy like me… six years ago…

I stood beside her sobbing mother, trying to keep ourselves from crying. It's ironic because she didn’t have a father. He left her mother for another woman when she was still little. She didn’t have uncles, aunts, or cousins. Her mom was an outcast, disowned by her family for eloping with her bastard father and she was an only child.

All my life I’ve never been closer to anyone outside my family except for her. She was everything to me; a sister that I didn’t have and friend that I love over everything in this green earth.

Her last days was a hard battle between her and God’s harsh will. I tried to tell her that, but she’d always counter me with “I’ll forever be grateful to whatever he decides.” I was too blind to see where everything was going. I simply didn't see any beauty in anything.

I just couldn’t grasp the fact that she was laying in front of me, inside that wooden box laden with flowers that screamed of sarcasm. She of all people and me loved a God that is love personified. But that “love” hurt me in every way possible.

That was doubt then and there.

Holding hands as we prayed the Our Father during her funeral mass, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I couldn’t say the line, “Your will be done.”

God, no, it’s not easy for Your will to be done.

This went on and on for years. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t any where near to becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. I just couldn’t get to where the answer was. For years it has been an embarrassing experience to cry out every time I go to mass or ceremonies, and in every time I just mumble “Lord, it still hurts to let Your will be done.”

I do remember what it was like. What’s different is that there’s happiness now. I have matured after all. It doesn’t matter what it is, but what does matter is that I can accept His will in all areas of my life.

Life isn't just a chain of meaning less happenings and accidents but rather, a grand tapestry of a master plan. This gives me hope, happiness. I’m pretty sure by taking her to His place, he has granted her happiness too and a cure for her earthly pain, removing the suffering for her to have eternity in peace. As for me perhaps there is the world and other encounters that I have yet to unearth. Perhaps her imprint of existence is one of them…

But no matter how short everything is for me, I am forever grateful for letting me experience first hand the beauty of Your creation. She is truly Your angel.

I loved her like the leaves… take care of her always.


This article is a contribution from a non-Crusader Publication member.